Was Patience Really The Issue
A senior leader came to coaching convinced they had a patience problem. They’d received feedback about being impatient with team members who showed arrogance, repeated mistakes, or failed to deliver on commitments.
The natural response? Work on becoming more patient.
That’s what our leadership coaching session was supposed to be about.
But sometimes the presenting problem isn’t the real problem.
Digging Deeper Than Surface Symptoms
As we explored the specific situations that triggered this “impatience,” a different story emerged. The leader had:
- Established clear expectations collaboratively with their team
- Created comprehensive frameworks for different seniority levels
- Given multiple chances and provided ongoing support
- Communicated expectations repeatedly and clearly
The frustration wasn’t coming from a lack of patience; it was coming from a pattern of over-allowance followed by accumulated frustration.
The Real Challenge: Boundaries vs. Caring
This leader cared deeply about their team’s success. They invested significant time in setting people up for success, only to watch some individuals repeatedly fall short of agreed-upon standards.
The internal conflict was clear: “If I become less bothered by poor performance, does that mean I care less?”
This is a false choice. Caring about outcomes and maintaining professional standards aren’t mutually exclusive with emotional support.
Key Insights for Leaders
- Question the framing: When you receive feedback about a behavioral issue, explore the context. What specific situations trigger this behavior?
- Examine the pattern: Sometimes the “problem” is actually the result of compensation of an opposite behavior: as in this case, being too accommodating for too long was followed by inevitable frustration.
- Distinguish caring from emotional reactivity: You can maintain high standards and care about results without carrying the emotional burden of others’ choices.
- Consider timing: There’s a difference between patience as a virtue and patience as avoidance of difficult conversations.
The Coaching Question That Changed Everything
“Is being patient really helpful here, or might it actually be enabling the behavior you want to change?”
Sometimes what looks like impatience is actually delayed accountability. The most caring thing you can do as a leader might be to address issues earlier, not later.
It’s easier to deal with such challenges when you have a trusted person to brainstorm and unpack issues with.
Get in touch for some collaborative decision-making!
