What makes us so obsessed with change?
In my practice as a coach, I’ve observed 2 different opposite client approaches:
- Change is exciting, I want it! This level of excitement is typical for clients running “towards” a goal as opposed to those running “from” a challenge. While it seems it’s a positive approach to change, it comes with challenges. People who are excited for the change’s result are rarely excited for the process of change. It’s like a child asking a driving parent “how long until we get there” every 5 minutes. I get it, you would like to reap the results of the work. What’s first though is to embrace the process, and fall in love with the work.
- Change is scary, I’m afraid of it! That’s equally common, and while it comes across as a mindset that stops any significant progress, it’s actually very useful to have a healthy dose of fear. Or maybe it’s better to reframe it as “fearful respect” towards change. Change process will take you places you’ve not been yet. Maybe you won’t like it! Maybe people in your surroundings won’t like the new you. Most importantly, you still need to do the change work, which is hard! The first step to overcome the fear is to look it in the eye, accept it, and grieve the parts we’re losing along the way.
So what is change, really?
Is it exciting and good or maybe it’s scary and frightening? It’s both and more! It’s ultimately elusive, unpredictable, and prone to, well… change!
My belief as a coach is rooted in both my philosophical beliefs that humans are able to change and are, at least to a certain extent, constantly evolving. It’s also informed by my continuous experiences with clients who struggle with change, regardless of whether the change was made for them (layoffs, change of a manager, breakups, parenthood) or they initiated it (new job, promotion, moving countries).
It can be both exciting and scary. That’s ok. There’s beauty and terror in life. Going through it could give you both in equal measures.
How do I work with clients through a change?
Starting point is always different, as people are different and have different circumstances. Their approach, as written above, can be different too. That informs my first steps. The first couple of sessions are always about the client. What makes them unique, what are they good at, what do they believe, what are they running towards, what are they trying to escape. Internal world is the first part of the itinerary.
We need chips to keep playing
Then, when we’re both ready to venture outwards, it’s time to embrace the casino of change. Say what, again? Well, just like in the casino, you need to have enough chips to keep playing because sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. The chips are self-care, rest, support systems, health, and passions outside of the area of change. Healthy balance is what is needed to keep entering the casino of change and betting on cards and numbers.
In the casino and in your career, you never know if something works until you try it. And you need to try many things, a significant number of times, to have an idea of your approach. Then boom, the rug gets pulled from under your feet and you need to try again. Success is where luck meets preparation. We will not rule out either of the two in what we do.
In short, first we go inside, then we build a vision for what’s possible, then we build small experiments to see if and how close we can get to that vision.
Does it always end like clients wanted? No, but the results are significantly closer to that warm, vulnerable vision we build than what they experienced before. Does change get easier over time? Probably, it’s about practice as with many other things in life. I started enjoying the ups and downs; fluctuations make things interesting.
Happy to fluctuate forwards, and hope you join me in it at one point!
