Conflicts and friction are an inevitable part of being a leader. Whether it’s a stakeholder who stands in the way of the project’s progress, a cross-functional partner who doesn’t see requirements your way, or a team member who objects to your performance review, it’s tough. Once you realize you have a conflict, take 3 deep breaths and apply this conflict-resolving process.
Check in with yourself first
Write down what you believe is happening in the situation and what you feel as a result. If all the sentences start with “they/he/she,” it’s time to do the switching. What part do you play in this situation? Which of your behaviors might have prompted their behavior? How do YOU feel about your behaviors?
Take on their perspective
Asking yourself, “Why would a logically-thinking, mentally sound person do XYZ?” can help you empathize with the other side of the conflict. Staying free of judgments and assuming good intentions, logical reasoning, and mental stability frees you up to think about the WHY behind the WHAT.
Organize a face-to-face
Once the prep work is done and you have some hypotheses about their reasoning, it’s time to be curious and test them. Schedule some time, preferably one-on-one with the person you’re in conflict with. Then, a rule of thumb is to ask more questions than pose statements. The best questions to ask here are about intentions and needs, as these we are unable to decipher from outside.
Plan next steps together
It’s time to discuss how to wrap this thing up. Let’s go back to the here and now. With emotions and intentions being addressed already, take a look at the impact of this conflict and what can be done to move past it. Together, make a list of facts, i.e., what has happened during the conflict, and a list of shared next steps you both want to take from now on.
It’s tough to be in conflict, but as leaders, it’s our duty to steer the ship toward calmer waters. What’s the hardest part of managing conflicts for you?
