That’s one of the reasons I like to attend metal concerts. I guess that makes me a weirdo myself. I watch the tattooed, dressed-up individuals show up for the gathering of their tribe. Once I saw a lady dressed up as a banshee, with horror-influenced contact lenses and all. I love that!
Why is it so entertaining for me?
It’s all about control.
I’m an uptight control freak. There I said it. I do not really want to control others, though. I’m just really hard on myself. Going to metal concerts and seeing all of the misfits helps me relax. They let go of their daytime identities and get loose, having fun. That teaches me I can do it to.
Self-control is one of my strongest defence mechanisms. I’ve learned early that if reality overwhelms you, taking three breaths and building a plan is the way.
Step one, we list all the options, step two, we pick the one that seems the most right at the moment, step three… and that’s how it goes.
This is how I’ve managed my anxiety. I was turning away from uncomfortable emotions and numbing myself with project management. As if reality will go according to my plan! But it made me feel in control again. Even if control is an illusion, it still called me and lured me in. The problem with it is that my control was a tight grip, and it limited my options for change.
Uncontrollable floating.
I’ve used this metaphor many times, but when life pulls the rug from underneath your feet, it’s like you’re floating in a void.
No stable ground, all the options open, nothing to hold on to. This is where I previously tried to assert control, grab something that’s floating around, grab it, and hold on to it for my dear life. It’s a great plan when drifting in the ocean after a shipwreck, but it’s less than an ideal way to spend your whole life.
Which makes me wonder, is being in control even possible?
It’s not like forcing a three-step plan will make the discomfort go away and life get back on its linear, predictable path. What if, instead of grabbing whatever is floating in the void, I were to enjoy the free-fall instead? Is letting go of the idea of control the only way to stay in charge?
Opening up of possibilities
Staying open and tuned in to the universe in the search for options is known to every artist and musician. It’s the opposite of what I’ve learned to do with my three-step plans. Instead of closing yourself off to the infinite number of possibilities in the chaos and forcing a linear path forward, one could take a look around. Observe the void, resonate with its vibrations. Grabbing the nearest objects and claiming that’s safe is a lie. Just like getting a job after the last one burned you out. Jumping into a new relationship after a painful breakup isn’t what I would recommend to a friend. It takes time for the path to emerge, it takes space for the new growth, and it takes patience to observe and tune in to the resonance of the void.
I let go of the tight grip.
An area of life I grip the tightest is my career. I’ve long been gripping career labels so hard my knuckles would turn white. First, being a designer, then a leader, now a coach. Each of these concepts I would grab and hold on to.
Then I would build a linear path forward akin to the three-step plan I’ve learned to manage anxiety as a child.
That made me blind to possibilities living in between. My peripheral vision, once I’ve let go of some control, has allowed me to see how everything I’ve done in my career overlaps and is systemically connected to other things. I’m tuning in to it, listening for resonance.
While I float in the middle of the void, I let go of control and observe everything peacefully floating around me. Before I grab any of the concepts, I want to observe how this all comes together. I want to see both the forest and the trees. Then I plan to grab it lightly, not like I did before with white knuckles and clenched jaw, more like a skilled drummer holds a drumstick or a painter holds a brush.
